Wednesday, July 16, 2014

The Opposite of Jealousy

Jealousy is often described as a disease. I would even say a debilitating disease. Learn opposite words for the emotion and fight back.

If I asked you to tell me the opposite of jealousy you'd probably say trust right? You're not exactly wrong, but recently I discovered there's much more to it than that. Most women are emotionally driven creatures, and can only see through issues with "emotional goggles" on. Men on the other hand are much more logical creations and see through issues with rationalization. That can make a recipe for disaster unless the two are willing to work together and see things from the other's point of view.

On a rational logical level most men tend to think that if there's any sense of jealousy from a woman that she automatically does not trust him. Sometimes that is the case, but others it's really something much more deep rooted. She could completely trust that he would never ever touch another woman but still feel jealousy over thoughts and feelings. To a man this is ridiculousness. Jealousy over a thought? But, he didn't DO anything! Yet his natural born tendency to "check out" other women can send his partner into a downward spiral of debilitating doubt and fear. This can quickly become a relationship deal breaker. What can be done?

The first thing that we all need to accept is that we all look. Men will quickly tell you, "Oh that's just a guy thing." Really, it's not. Women check out men too. If you see a good looking creation it's natural to want to appreciate it. Where women get hung up is that we feel we can appreciate it without feeling like we'd like to take it further, and that men cannot. That leads me to my second point. The second thing we all need to accept is that we have a responsibility in that natural desire to look. What is that responsibility? To not dwell on it. See the creation, appreciate it, and then move on. Men are wired to think those thoughts that we as their women partners dread. WIRED to.  It happens before they even realize what they are thinking. A respectful man who is dedicated to his woman will move on and not dwell on the thought. Same with us women. We need to do the same thing.

Men, I need to pick on you here for a minute. You in particular tend to talk to your woman as though she's your buddy. If you see hot woman that you cannot help but to appreciate momentarily...shut up. Don't make comments. Don't bring attention to it. Just appreciate it and move on. If your woman is not there and you're just with your buddies say what you want; but, if your woman is there or your buddies woman is there...keep a lid on it, please. There I've said my piece about that. If you want your woman to get over the jealousy then that's a huge part you can play.

Now, I know that was a long way around the main point of this article, which is the opposite of jealousy. The reason "I said all that to say this", is that deeply emotional women need something extra to let this go. It's important to build that foundation of understanding that was discussed above, but there's an extra push that women may be able to use to honestly put this behind them.

Let's look at some descriptive words for the emotion of jealousy: anxious, apprehensive, guarded, mistrustful, possessive, resentful, skeptical, and suspicious are several. Ladies, does that sound like anything that belongs in a relationship? Nope. That sounds like a quick route to break-up-ville. 

Now let's look at some descriptive words that mean the opposite of jealousy: confidence, contentment, satisfied, trusting, unresentful. I like to think of these words as "jealousy fighting tools". You know which one stood out to me the most? Confidence. Have you ever heard the saying, "There's nothing sexier than self confidence"? If you're with a guy who makes you feel like you need to change yourself to be sexy and attractive you're with the wrong guy. A man who appreciates you just like you are, really and truly...can help you see that no matter who else he may see and appreciate it doesn't matter. He knows what he's got; and, he likes looking at you and appreciating you much more than some random chick that crosses the path of his eyes. You are his "baby". She's just some girl he happened to catch a glimpse of.

Think about this. Women who feel like they need to change things to be sexy often don't want their man to see them undressed. They want to hide imperfections. He wants to see you. If you're so worried about how you look that you won't let him see you, how long is it going to be before he starts dwelling on the thoughts of the girl he caught a glimpse of? It's a nasty catch 22 isn't it? Confidence. It's a powerful jealousy fighting tool. 

I'm going to take it even further for those of us who really need to "get" it. If your man tells you he loves your butt and it's his favorite thing about you...believe him. Then when you're watching t.v. together and some woman that you feel that you could never live up to shows her butt on t.v. and he likes'll know it doesn't matter. He likes yours better. How do you know for sure he likes yours better? Emotion. See, if we stop to think logically (like a man does) we can get back to what we as women crave...emotion. He is emotionally attached to you. When he sees your's what he thinks of as his butt. Because of everything he shares with you, you can be assured that no matter what else he sees, he likes yours better. Even if you and he both consider the woman on t.v. a "ten" and you only think of yourself as a seven. You want to be the most beautiful woman in the world to your man. Guess what? You are, and it's because of the emotion. The very thing you crave. The emotion mixed with what he appreciates when his eyes see you makes you the most beautiful to him. Even when he sees a super model (and appreciates it).

Now there are the immature guys who as I mentioned before are going to make comments, tell you that you need to change things, or make you feel like less in their eyes somehow. I used to date a guy who would say (every stinking time!) "Yeah, but it takes money to get a woman like that" every time a super model type would appear on the television screen. To me, that was a message that I was less. If he had money to get a woman like that (the woman I could never be) then he would have. He was just settling for me because he didn't have the money to live out his dream of having a woman like that on his arm. 

I've dated men who came to me and told me that "it had to be said" that I needed to lose some weight. Look if you have gained a LOT of weight and your man asks you to work on it, it's not necessarily a message to dump him. How he says it and the amount of pressure he puts on will be an indication of where his heart is. Of course we all want our partners to be healthy and attractive to us. Maybe he's just trying to help you to be healthy and feel better about yourself again. If you just gained a few and he comes to you and makes you feel like your a less attractive version of your formal self then dump him. Right now. Dump him. (And ask him to look in the mirror and tell you what it is that he thinks he has to be so picky about.) We can't use self confidence as a jealousy fighting tool if we're dating "tools". If you're already married to the "tool" I guess you can't just dump him but think hard about what he's really saying to you. If you have a mature man who loves the way you look and you make up your mind to believe him...confidence can be the best jealousy fighting tool you ever had in your possession. 

My sweetheart talked to me about this for three days before I could get a grip on it. In man time that felt like 3 weeks probably; but, he saw me through it and the more I "get" it the stronger we become. We can face the world together and know that no matter who we see and appreciate, we always like each other better.

As always if you want to put your two cents in, leave a comment and thanks for reading!


Sunday, June 29, 2014

How To Write an Online Dating Profile

Creating an effective online dating profile takes a little more effort than you may think. To get the best responses and best chance of a match, here's a few tips I've learned:

A few months ago, I told you about purchasing Girl Gets Ring
and how even though the title sounded cheesy, that the information inside was like gold. It's an e-book about how men think and how women can change some of the major flubs we make (without even knowing it) to be sure and be the best mate we can be. At the time I purchased and read it through the first time, I was single. I've now been in a relationship for about three months and it's the most complementary, most satisfying, and most healthy relationship I have ever been in during the course of my life. I've actually shared a lot of the things I learned in the book with my mate and he's like, yep...that's true. All of it.

So, how did we meet? Same way many people this day and age I had sworn off online dating and was determined I was going to meet someone "the natural way". Yet, in  Girl Gets Ring there was bonus material, one of which was how to write the best online dating profile. I took that information, added some of my own thoughts into it, and voila! I met someone pretty immediately. (The second day I was on the site.) We met on eVow, which is a free dating site that's just for people who know they actually want a serious relationship, not for people just looking to make friends or date casually. It doesn't mean that it will work out with every person you may end up just friends with someone you meet; but, the point is you're ready and looking for a serious relationship when you meet a person that seems like they'd be a great match.

Now, I can't tell you all the secrets that the bonus material revealed, because that's not my information to give away. But I can tell you a few major ones, and if you decide to purchase Girl Gets Ring then you can find out the rest. Those are all geared toward women. Just the ones I'm giving you now will make a big difference in your responses from a potential good match, and are helpful for men and women.
* Pictures-
You need to include several pictures of you...just you alone. You can include some close ups that feature just your face, but you need several full-body head to toe pics.

Does this idea scare you? Think about it. There are folks out there that like all shapes and sizes of people...including yours. You are setting yourself up for rejection, pain, and self-loathing if you think that once you meet after getting to know each other that the rest of your body won't matter. It always matters, and it will matter more that you weren't completely honest. Let them see you, by yourself, for who you really are. Trust me, it will mean so much more when you know that your mate likes you and is attracted to you just like you are. Your self confidence in doing this will soar; and, you know what they say...there's nothing sexier than self confidence. If you don't have great pics make a fun day of it. Get your bestie or trusted friend to be your photographer and take pics in several outfits in different locations. It'll be like your personal photo shoot getting prepared to meet a great match. Remember, both men and women look at photos first. We all do. We want to get a good idea of who we're speaking to.

*Tag Line -
It's important to write a good tag line. There are quite a few sites that help you think through what would be an eye-catching attention grabbing line for you. I like the "computer cut off" tips on the site. So often the computer will only display a portion of your tag line. You may have written "I'm easy to get along with" and the site displays "I'm easy". We don't want that. So make sure you know how your tagline is displayed. There's more great tips on e-dating. Really read through and find something catchy that fits your personality. Don't just use a line because it's cute. Use a line because you think...yes! That's totally me. In the end, I wrote something like..."my profile contains the key to getting a response". (Or something like that.) Then I wrote the key at the very end. For me, it was very important that potential matches read the profile. It was long, and I really put myself out there. If he wasn't a reader or didn't want to bother with reading it...that was the first weed-out factor for me. I went with this line because I noticed many guys complaining that they were "nice guys" but no one would talk to them. Or they would write to me and I'd ignore them and they'd write me back practically yelling at me for ignoring them. (Yeah guys...that's not the way to get her to talk to you!)

Don't try to be funny if you're not really a funny person. Be you, but don't type the typical "just looking to meet new people". This screams boring and unimaginative. You think, "but I don't know what to say!" That's why I gave you the two web sites to read over. There's great tips and ideas. If you're going to do this thing, put some time into it and do it right.

* Your full profile info-
I've seen it so often where people will write something like "well, I don't really know what to say so if you have a question ask." Don't do this. You may get some responses but they probably won't be good potential matches. Remember, you're on the site to find a great potential match for you that complements your personality. If a person likes your picture they may respond, but you will have a lot of weeding to do. Attraction alone is not a good match factor. Each site tries to give you helpful hints on what to write, take a look at those and take your time and think about it. What do you do when you have time away from work? When you're telling about your job, describe it...don't give a title. I'm not saying give a play-by-play of your day, just describe what you do at your job. For instance, a truck driver may say, "I deliver glass doors to three states including Florida, Mississippi, and Alabama." See? A one sentence description is much better than "I'm a truck driver."

Don't be afraid to say what you like to do. Don't write it based on what you think they like. I was kind of worried because I'm not really a drinker or a party girl. I'm a very mellow person. I had only dated guys who thought going to a bar was the only "thing to do" on weekends. Don't set yourself up like this. I wrote what I actually like to do and things I'd like to try. Like go to a park and read all the signs, or sit on a bench and watch the birds. I'd like to visit all the nearby museums. I'd like to go to the planetarium. Things like that. Guess who I found? Another non-drinker mellow person who likes the things I like. I can't tell you how awesome it is and how much stress it reduces to be with someone who likes the same things you like. If you're a party person...put that. You need to meet a party person. If you're a home-body...put that. You need to meet another home-body. If a home-body gets matched up with a party person just because there's an attraction...that is no good.

You don't have to get into every single thing about yourself. Women...a quick note to you: if you have kids be honest about it but don't talk about your kids in your profile. Talk about you and what you like. Don't say "my kids come first". A man worth having will expect your kids to come first, but if you start off saying that he's going to think he's always going to be on the back-burner and may pass you over. 

If you absolutely can't think of anything to write at least put three things. What music you like, what things you like to do when you're not at work, and what you think a great potential match for you would be. That way long or short, the person is getting a good idea of who they are talking to. Use caution in what you are promoting as weed out factors. I knew one guy who wrote something like "I don't want nothing to do with your bad kids". Then he wondered why no woman wrote to him. I had to tell him...look friend it's okay that you prefer to date a woman without kids, but you should say it in a different way. 

Any woman who reads what he wrote would think, "what a jerk"...whether she had kids or not. If instead he said, "I prefer to date women who either don't have kids or whose kids are older and more independent", then the response from a woman with kids would be more like..."Okay, well that stinks but I see why he feels that way."  In the same way, I've seen men put, "No drama!" You're not going to get anywhere by assuming all women are drama queens. You could say "I prefer a more down to earth even tempered kind of woman". 

Ladies we're not off the hook. I've been told that there are women's profiles that say things like "must last more than 10 minutes", or "I want a guy with a good job who can buy me what I want". Really ladies? On the first point, we're not getting anywhere by assuming that a guy is no good in bed. Yeah we've all had the selfish jerks and we all want to avoid that,  but when you put it out there like's going to turn the good guys off. Plus, you're probably going to be the very one that turns around and accuses any responders of only being interested in sex. Look, you're the one who put it out there like that. Yes, we all want good partners in bed, but there are ways to not offend. It takes time to figure these things out so if your attitude is that you don't have time to waste you're going to be single and used for sex. Take the time. It's worth it. Secondly, I'm sorry are you looking for a personal ATM or a relationship? Yes I know we find jobless guys on there and want to avoid that as well, but we don't want to start off by making assumptions that offend.

I hope these tips have helped you figure out how to write an online dating profile that will allow you to meet a great match. Remember, there are LOTS of people out there that could be a good match. We need to lose the notion that there's just one person out there for us and only one great love of your life. Focus more on finding a good match, and the love of your life part will follow.

Thanks for reading and good luck.



Monday, June 9, 2014

Living With Lymphoma - Updates

So, you may have noticed crickets on this blog recently. There have been lots of things going on with Anna's lymphoma. Here's our story:

I know that some of you who regularly check in with this blog are wondering why haven't there been ANY posts in the last couple of months. It's been a very trying time for us, and I just haven't had the energy to post anything. I've had many offers for guest posts but I had no interest in those either. Anna is very very sick. If your child is specifically going through lymphoma you may want to pay close attention. If you're a reader because your child has another type of cancer, it may not apply to you as much, but still may be helpful if something like this happens in your case.

April 4th, we got the last chemo, and a week or two later we got the "all clear" with a final CT scan that showed nothing. At the time, I wanted a PET scan, but apparently that's not something you can just request. Insurances don't find them medically necessary and doctors don't either if the CT scan shows the all clear. Well, a week after that...Anna started running fever. We went to the hospital and they admitted us and did the regular treatment for possible infection. They are always worried about the port. We had already seen a doctor to schedule removal of the port, so we thought we needed to get the port out ASAP because it may be the thing catching infection. We did not remove the port thank goodness.

After we were released I noticed her neck was swollen. I did not freak out because we had been told that after chemotherapy any little infection that came by could make those lymph nodes swell and it wasn't necessarily going to be cancer. We called the doctor, he said just keep a watch on it for changes, everything was okay. In a few days the fevers spiked and we were back in the hospital again. The nodes swelled really large this time. Funny thing was, they continued to go up and down. We kept being told...lymphoma doesn't do that. It is possible this is an infection and lymphoma, but because its so unlikely that lymphoma would return this quickly, so we do not think that this is an oncological issue. Good. That was good news.

Every test under the sun was done, every team was brought in to check her like infectious disease, genetics...the works. She must have so much fresh new blood in her system because over the course of two months they have had to take quite a bit for testing. Nothing came up on the tests. We all started getting antsy for a biopsy but they told us that it was dangerous and they had to be sure she needed one before cutting her up. For the second time she went home, still feeling sick but the fevers had calmed. I spent my days running around trying to get her fluids through a syringe since she's not that willing to drink or eat. 

It was during this second home return that a tragedy occurred. Her beloved Grandpa who we lived with and got to see every day... passed suddenly. During all of the aftermath, she was still very sick. A couple of days before the funeral, we had to go back into the hospital and unfortunately missed the memorial service. During this visit they finally completed the biopsy. We had hoped to have answers soon after, but the biopsy needed to be compared to the first biopsy that had been done at the original diagnoses of Anaplastic Large Cell Lymphoma. That took a while. We went home for the third time and waited. The initial results didn't look at all like the first ones, and we were told that it was most likely benign tumors that would need to be removed surgically.

Then we had a particularly rough week when Anna got impacted. I took her to the ER one day, had to go back the second day to have it surgically removed, and the third day had to go back for fever. Guess what they did? Yep...admitted us. This was the fourth hospital stay within two months. At the beginning of this hospital stay we got the news that even though the initial results looked different, the stains were exactly the same. Exactly. There was nothing more to conclude that this was in fact a relapse no matter how soon after the "all clear" that it came. Funny thing is...the nodes are no longer swollen, and "lymphoma doesn't do that". 

Now we are looking at a PET scan (finally!) this week to see what lights up. There are more treatment options and a new drug that is being given routinely to newly diagnosed lymphoma patients that is an antibody that specifically targets lymphoma cells. We are hoping that nothing lights up and that we will not need any further chemotherapy. IF that's the case...we will do maintenance with this antibody. If not, we will be looking at more chemotherapy.

I will try to update yet again after the PET scan and let you know what we are looking at. Thank you for reading our story. If you are a believer who prays, please keep our family in your prayers.  

Update: It is definitely a relapse. Chemotherapy will be scheduled soon. Thank you for your prayers and positive thoughts for our family.