I struggle as I get deeper into God's names and what they reveal about who He really is. Because God is sovereign, I have to accept the fact that My God, who I love and serve, "permits" things to happen to me that are hard. It would seem that a loving God would only allow good things to happen to me. Yet, I have been hurt in my life through many struggles and trials. Pretty serious ones. I couldn't go into detail to explain that you without slandering others who I still love, so just trust me...they were serious. I started to think, you know, as a special needs cancer mom, if my life up to this point had been easy and I had never had to struggle I would not be the strong woman I am today to endure the type of motherhood I was destined for.
Then today, something amazing happened. As you can imagine, we struggle with finances a bit going through the cancer especially. We get a service through Anna's SSI and medicaid waiver benefits called non-medical transportation reimbursement. That means because I have to haul Anna back and forth an hour and a half both ways every week for treatment, they give us money back because of the gas we use for transportation. It comes in an EBT card to use at places like Walmart or Target for household things we need, to free up our other finances for gas. Well, I got a notice that I thought said the money was available. I took Anna, went to Walmart, and filled my cart thinking how nice it was to feel like you are stocking up on things you need. However, when we got to the checkout line, there was no money on the card. I had to leave the cart and everything in it there, humiliated.
As we walked out to the car Anna was crying, "But what about my coloring book? What about our food?" As a special needs child, she did not understand what had just happened. All she knew was we were leaving without all the stuff she had just exhausted herself walking all over Walmart for. As I put her in the car a very nicely dressed man was standing at his car parked right next to us. He asked, "Mam? May I ask what's wrong with her?" I explained our embarrassment of what just happened and told him we could not get the coloring book and food we had just put in our cart. He said, "Oh yes mam, you can." He reached into his wallet and gave me every bit of cash that was in it. About $45.
I cried, and he gave me a hug and blessed me in the name of Jesus. I took Anna back inside, got the most important things that had been in our cart, (plus her coloring book) and marveled that that particular man had been parked right beside us, was standing there when we came out, and had the heart to give to a little girl who didn't understand. I didn't know what I felt more, the horrid embarrassment of what had just happened or the overwhelming gratitude of the provision from El Roi, the God who sees me. I felt it was definitely one of those things that God orchestrated, and I am touched at the reminder that my God, my El Roi, wanted me to know today that He's watching.